The Ultimate Waiting Game

Nine months of waiting to meet the other love of our lives, or in our case, loves of our lives....Here I am in October counting down the days until I get to meet our twins. It feels like April is so far away! I mean I want them to grow healthy and strong inside me, but I can't wait to meet them and hold them!

We recently found out we are having TWIN BOYS! What a blessing! Of course, we would have been so excited with any combination of twins. Just now that I know I am going to have two new little men in my life, words can't describe my excitement! I guess I've always pictured myself being a better mom to boys. I can't wait to get them into dirt bikes, sports and whatever else their little hearts desire, as long as it is safe and healthy of course!

I wonder what their personalities are going to be like. Will they be silly and sarcastic like Leif (I hope so)? Will they think to much like I do (I hope not)? I can't wait to meet them and hold them. I can tell from the ultrasound, one is a little bit on the crazier side, and one is calm. It has been that way in every ultrasound I've had. Baby A is always moving and kicking and punching, and Baby B is just chilling. They are already so different :)

Can't wait to see the doctor again and ask my new questions.

-Nicole

Journey Into Motherhood

From 9/19/12

What a whirl wind the last couple months have been. We went from a happily married couple, to a happily married couple expecting their first baby, to a happily married couple expecting TWINS!!! I still feel I need to put an emphasis on TWINS because at times, it is still so shocking to me. However, I feel beyond blessed. To know that God gave me this precious gift...wow...I couldn't be more grateful. If He has that much trust in me, I know I can do it. Of course, being our first babies I am intimidated. I refuse to let my worry take over though. I know His plan is better than what I could have ever imagined...He has given Leif and I twins after all!

I recently had to drop my Voice and Diction class. Something I was so excited to start. It was finally a step in the right direction towards my dream of being an SPLA and one day an SLP. I had to really put things in perspective though for me, Leif and the babies. Although I soooo enjoyed the class. I did not like the drive home. My class ended at 10 which put me home around 11:30...I would sleep in a little the following day, but not enough to catch up. I was worried of getting too tired on the way home, it just wasn't safe. At first it felt like a failure, I never quit or drop anything I start out to do, but then I also looked at it as what is best for my emotional health right now, as well as how this would affect the pregnancy and my SLEEP! I want to enjoy my pregnancy, I want to enjoy my free time with Leif before the babies are here. I will go back, and I am hoping by the time I do, maybe there will be a program at MSJC, close to home. This is another one of God's timing. He will put me where He wants me to be.

I am exploring options to work from home when our sweet babies arrive. Having two really changed the game plan! I thought with one, no big deal I'll figure out how to go back to work part time, or what not, trips will be easy, it won't be tooooo huge of an adjustment. I knew of course it would be a change, but nothing we couldn't handle...then we got thrown for a loop! Two babies means, two car seats, two beds (eventually), a bigger truck, two mouths to feed, and two little butts to diaper...oh man! I know we can do this. We are so blessed to be surrounded with love and support from both of our families and all of our friends.

May the twins games begin!  I can't wait to meet them!

I am 12 weeks today :) Oh! I am getting a teensy tiny belly, although I feel like my fat is just being pushed out further...I want it to be round so I look pregs and not beer bellied!

Took the words right out of my mouth!

Losing- By Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love. This is hate.
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love. This is hate.
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father, won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin' (oh no)

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin')

Oh, Father, won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father won't you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

I don't know that there could have been a more perfect song to describe the battle that has been raging inside during this whole ordeal. I know this next week will be hard for me but I am going to do my best to focus on the Lord and His blessings and know without a doubt that He has a plan and that this is all for my good. "You make all things work together for our good" I will find comfort in Jeremiah 29 ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" and Mathew 18 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times". 

It happens so often that I need to be reminded that my sins are just as bad as the next. That doesn't mean that actions and sins made by other don't hurt and won't continue to hurt, for who knows how long. The lyrics "Father won't you forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing. Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them, cuz I feel like the one losing" Wow so powerful and the words that I have never been able to say outloud because I couldn't figure out exactly what I was feeling. I do feel like the one losing, and that hurts so much. There is so much more to say, but for now I will leave it at this. Thank you Lord for giving me grace and for loving me, and for making all things work together for my good.

Because I Miss You

I've been wanting to write a blog post about how much I miss you or to express the pain I feel when I remember that you're gone but I never seem to have the right words...maybe it's because there are no right words for this. What I feel is something I can't explain except a deep sadness, that I have to accept. I was listening to my iPod playlist this morning, and the song that played at your memorial started playing...I had to change it. I know in the last few months before your death we had lost contact. I wish you had known how much I treasured our friendship and you as a person. I always had a special place in my heart for you now that place hurts knowing that I won't hear from you again, that I won't get a random phone call from a weird number, that I won't hear you laugh or be able to give you a hug. I see the sticker on the back of my truck and just get this ping of sadness. My grief seems to come in waves still. I know we are all left with such an emptiness that cannot be filled. It still seems to me that it's not real at times, maybe because I don't want it to be. I don't want to accept that I won't hear from you anymore, or that I can't get a hold of you. I find myself looking at people in cars and taking a double take because someone looks like you....

I do find peace in knowing that you are no longer in pain and in a place where there is no sadness. I know that you battled for a long time and that breaks my heart. I know that we all wish we could have saved you and kept you here with us longer, and we would have had we really known...Just know we miss you so much and we will until the day we get to see you again. Until then we will look back on happy times and wish you were here with us to make new memories. You impacted the lives of people you knew and loved you in ways you don't know.

RIP my dear friend....

Quote to Live By

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~Steve Jobs

A Year ago today...

A year ago today, we brought home our Woolly dog. I remember the feeling we had driving up to Fontana, I kept thinking "okay today we are just looking at the new pups, not buying one..." Well, that is a hard to do when the puppies were as cute as they were. The breeder told us that he had just gotten back from Sacramento with two pick of the liter pups. They were the cutest little chunks! We wanted a brindle one, but the breeder was keeping that one, so there was this little Fromentino guy....our Woolly Boy :) Instead of picking out a puppy from the new liter, we fell in love with Woolly and couldn't say no to bringing him home with us. After a lunch at Cheese Cake Factory we decided we would go back to pick him up. We were so excited!

The day we brought him home



Always wanting to play with Ruca, it wasn't long before he just stood next to the dogloo and could reach her.



Woolly's first trip to the river, he was such a good boy!



Woolly's favorite thing to do, hang in the garage with us



This was taken on right around his first birthday

It is still hard to look at all of our pictures of Woolly and Ruca and for our hearts not to hurt a little. Not only was the loss hard for us, but it was on Ruca too. How do you explain to a dog where her brother went? I miss seeing those two together. Woolly passed away four weeks ago tomorrow. The vet's office that did the surgery on him then laid him to rest, sent us the most precious gift that we received in the mail today, a year to the date that we brought our boy home with us. I cried as I saw Woolly's paw print in the clay. What a sweet gift to give us. It is something that we will always treasure.

Rest in Peace Love

RIP Woolly Bully Boy

When we got our first puppy together not even a year ago, we never imagined we would be saying goodbye just a month shy of having him for a year. Besides Ruca, I had never been close to a pet. I grew up with dogs my whole life, but they were pets, not exactly "part of the family". Woolly changed all of that for us. Leif and I fell in love with this little chunk, and he improved our relationship with Ruca. The dogs became our fur babies. We looked forward to Fridays and Saturdays hanging out in the garage with the dogs. They really were our kids. At night, especially this last winter, Woolly and Ruca would get to come in the house and sit by the back door...now that place feels so empty. When we are in the front, I just miss having my Woolly Bully come up to me and give me love. It really feels like a broken heart, I miss my boy. Ruca is getting extra attention and we are cherishing the moments we have with her. I never, never thought losing a dog would be this hard, but I guess that's the thing, he wasn't just a dog to us. He was part of our family. He had a unique personality, and although he could be a jerk at times he loved us, and we loved him so much. The outpouring love and support truly is more than Leif and I could ever ask for. To know that people do understand and they mean the words they say means more to us than we could say. We miss our boy and we know that this will take time....this sweet poem brought me to tears, but also is something I believe. My sister posted on my facebook that Woolly is in Heaven playing with Jesus and loving every moment. I miss him so much, but I know that one day we will be reunited. RIP Woolly, we love you!

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years,
or maybe for 2 or 3
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you’ll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise that he will stay
since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.
I’ve looked the whole world over
in seach of teachers true
And from the fold that crowd life’s land
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labor vain,
nor hate me when I come to take my pup back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, They Will Be Done,”
For all the joys this pup will bring
the risk of grief you’ll run.
Will you shelter him with tenderness,
Will you love him while you may?
And for the happiness you’ll know forever grateful stay.
But should I call him back
much sooner than you’ve planned,
please brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If, by your love, you’ve managed
my wishes to achieve,
In memory of him that you’ve loved,
cherish every moment with your faithful bundle, and know he loved you too.