Took the words right out of my mouth!

Losing- By Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said

I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love. This is hate.
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love. This is hate.
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father, won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin' (oh no)

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin')

Oh, Father, won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father won't you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

I don't know that there could have been a more perfect song to describe the battle that has been raging inside during this whole ordeal. I know this next week will be hard for me but I am going to do my best to focus on the Lord and His blessings and know without a doubt that He has a plan and that this is all for my good. "You make all things work together for our good" I will find comfort in Jeremiah 29 ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" and Mathew 18 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times". 

It happens so often that I need to be reminded that my sins are just as bad as the next. That doesn't mean that actions and sins made by other don't hurt and won't continue to hurt, for who knows how long. The lyrics "Father won't you forgive them, they don't know what they've been doing. Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them, cuz I feel like the one losing" Wow so powerful and the words that I have never been able to say outloud because I couldn't figure out exactly what I was feeling. I do feel like the one losing, and that hurts so much. There is so much more to say, but for now I will leave it at this. Thank you Lord for giving me grace and for loving me, and for making all things work together for my good.

Because I Miss You

I've been wanting to write a blog post about how much I miss you or to express the pain I feel when I remember that you're gone but I never seem to have the right words...maybe it's because there are no right words for this. What I feel is something I can't explain except a deep sadness, that I have to accept. I was listening to my iPod playlist this morning, and the song that played at your memorial started playing...I had to change it. I know in the last few months before your death we had lost contact. I wish you had known how much I treasured our friendship and you as a person. I always had a special place in my heart for you now that place hurts knowing that I won't hear from you again, that I won't get a random phone call from a weird number, that I won't hear you laugh or be able to give you a hug. I see the sticker on the back of my truck and just get this ping of sadness. My grief seems to come in waves still. I know we are all left with such an emptiness that cannot be filled. It still seems to me that it's not real at times, maybe because I don't want it to be. I don't want to accept that I won't hear from you anymore, or that I can't get a hold of you. I find myself looking at people in cars and taking a double take because someone looks like you....

I do find peace in knowing that you are no longer in pain and in a place where there is no sadness. I know that you battled for a long time and that breaks my heart. I know that we all wish we could have saved you and kept you here with us longer, and we would have had we really known...Just know we miss you so much and we will until the day we get to see you again. Until then we will look back on happy times and wish you were here with us to make new memories. You impacted the lives of people you knew and loved you in ways you don't know.

RIP my dear friend....

Quote to Live By

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~Steve Jobs

A Year ago today...

A year ago today, we brought home our Woolly dog. I remember the feeling we had driving up to Fontana, I kept thinking "okay today we are just looking at the new pups, not buying one..." Well, that is a hard to do when the puppies were as cute as they were. The breeder told us that he had just gotten back from Sacramento with two pick of the liter pups. They were the cutest little chunks! We wanted a brindle one, but the breeder was keeping that one, so there was this little Fromentino guy....our Woolly Boy :) Instead of picking out a puppy from the new liter, we fell in love with Woolly and couldn't say no to bringing him home with us. After a lunch at Cheese Cake Factory we decided we would go back to pick him up. We were so excited!

The day we brought him home



Always wanting to play with Ruca, it wasn't long before he just stood next to the dogloo and could reach her.



Woolly's first trip to the river, he was such a good boy!



Woolly's favorite thing to do, hang in the garage with us



This was taken on right around his first birthday

It is still hard to look at all of our pictures of Woolly and Ruca and for our hearts not to hurt a little. Not only was the loss hard for us, but it was on Ruca too. How do you explain to a dog where her brother went? I miss seeing those two together. Woolly passed away four weeks ago tomorrow. The vet's office that did the surgery on him then laid him to rest, sent us the most precious gift that we received in the mail today, a year to the date that we brought our boy home with us. I cried as I saw Woolly's paw print in the clay. What a sweet gift to give us. It is something that we will always treasure.

Rest in Peace Love

RIP Woolly Bully Boy

When we got our first puppy together not even a year ago, we never imagined we would be saying goodbye just a month shy of having him for a year. Besides Ruca, I had never been close to a pet. I grew up with dogs my whole life, but they were pets, not exactly "part of the family". Woolly changed all of that for us. Leif and I fell in love with this little chunk, and he improved our relationship with Ruca. The dogs became our fur babies. We looked forward to Fridays and Saturdays hanging out in the garage with the dogs. They really were our kids. At night, especially this last winter, Woolly and Ruca would get to come in the house and sit by the back door...now that place feels so empty. When we are in the front, I just miss having my Woolly Bully come up to me and give me love. It really feels like a broken heart, I miss my boy. Ruca is getting extra attention and we are cherishing the moments we have with her. I never, never thought losing a dog would be this hard, but I guess that's the thing, he wasn't just a dog to us. He was part of our family. He had a unique personality, and although he could be a jerk at times he loved us, and we loved him so much. The outpouring love and support truly is more than Leif and I could ever ask for. To know that people do understand and they mean the words they say means more to us than we could say. We miss our boy and we know that this will take time....this sweet poem brought me to tears, but also is something I believe. My sister posted on my facebook that Woolly is in Heaven playing with Jesus and loving every moment. I miss him so much, but I know that one day we will be reunited. RIP Woolly, we love you!

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years,
or maybe for 2 or 3
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you’ll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise that he will stay
since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.
I’ve looked the whole world over
in seach of teachers true
And from the fold that crowd life’s land
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labor vain,
nor hate me when I come to take my pup back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, They Will Be Done,”
For all the joys this pup will bring
the risk of grief you’ll run.
Will you shelter him with tenderness,
Will you love him while you may?
And for the happiness you’ll know forever grateful stay.
But should I call him back
much sooner than you’ve planned,
please brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If, by your love, you’ve managed
my wishes to achieve,
In memory of him that you’ve loved,
cherish every moment with your faithful bundle, and know he loved you too.

If at first you don't succeed...

TRY, TRY, TRY...again!

It has been an upward battle for me to be able to go back to school to follow my dream of being a Speech Pathologist. I haven't given up, I keep rolling with the punches and just having hope and faith that God has a great plan and if this is what He truly wants for me it will work.

A few months ago I printed up a list of schools that have California approved SLP and SLPA programs. At the time I didn't bother contacting the schools..I had previously contacted a few and hit the same wall...programs were in the middle of the week, pricey and far away.

My issue is I HAVE to work, we need a double income and I can't afford to take time off work that often. Plus it is not cheap to drive either to the OC or down south...we are in the middle of each program...literally. It would take me an hour to get to the OC or an hour to get to San Marcos or an hour to get to University of Redlands. With that said I've been feeling a little discouraged...

After the realization that I couldn't make school happen right now, I have just sat back and accepted the fact that I will have to go back at a later date. Then out of nowhere...I got the hair to just contact one of the schools I had not contacted. To make a long story short, I was hoping that they offered their Communicative Disorders program at their location out here, but they do not...they do however have a Post- Bac program. It is a year long program held on Friday nights and Saturdays...This program is the pre-requisits I will need to apply for the Masters Program with that school. Then I also received great news about some scholarships, how awesome would that be to get some scholarship money to help out with this expence?

So that is where I am at. I've been researching different programs for over a year and have hit a wall everytime. This time I feel like I've made some progress...I sure hope so. This is my dream, I know that I would be good at it!

~If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. St. Clement of Alexandra~

Happy Friday!

I always love starting off my mornings with some good worship music. These two songs get me pumped up and ready for the day! I believe these lyrics with all of my heart.

~The Redeemer- Sanctus Real~

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things,
but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything NEW

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things,
but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things,
but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything NEW

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

~Washed by the Water- Needtobreathe~

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light

People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice

Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My Father never failed

Chorus

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Repeat Chorus

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let You down

I won’t fall

I won’t fall

I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Chorus

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

The music in these songs is so powerful, I don't know how someone listening to these songs could not be moved! I hope everyone has a beautiful and blessed weekend! PBR tomorrow can't wait!

~Nicole